More Money Is Just The Beginning...

I fly a lot.  And because I fly out of Des Moines (ahem, The Des Moines INTERNATIONAL Airport), the majority of the time I fly small regional jets that all pretty much have the same seating arrangements -- 2 small seats on the left, 2 small seats on the right.  

On my way to Jacksonville, Florida, I had a brand new experience... flying from the cheap seats.  

Everything went well at check-in, my two flights had me sitting in seats 7b and 13b.  Both lucky numbers, right?  My luck ran out when boarding the flight in Memphis when I realized seat 13b was directly adjacent to the lavatory.  For those of you who've been in this situation, the first thing you do is look back to see just how many more people are boarding the flight -- please let there be room elsewhere!

No such luck. 

To add insult to injury, the guy sitting in 13a could've played as a middle defensive lineman for the Nebraska Cornhuskers.  He could've gone without the 4th jack and coke prior to boarding too.  I can't say it was the drink specifically that put him in a Delta-Level deep sleep, although I can say with some certainty that his snoring, arm convulsions, and distillery-smell were forcing me closer and closer to the door of the on-board facility.

Side bar... When you use the lavatory on an airplane, the smell is tolerable, pleasant in fact.  They do a great job of masking what could be potentially offensive odors.  I'm here to tell you that after 90 minutes next to the stink-tank, my clothes smelled like I'd washed them with a urinal cake.  No longer pleasant.

There were a couple of very odd things about sitting next to the john.  First, when people come back to use it, they look at you as if you are the keeper of the keys and will only allow a few to pass.  They'd ask me politely, "is there anyone in there?".  Just for kicks I'd say, "there are two in there now and enough room for you and Gigantor sitting next to me.  Go for it."  What am I?  The shoeshine guy sitting outside the bathroom at the Bellagio?

Secondly, the flight attendant comes back and checks the bathroom no less than 10 or 15 times during the flight, presumably to make sure no one has fallen in the little bitty hole, has not disabled the smoke detector, or has not passed out in 13b.

When I asked Referigerator Perry how he booked his seat in 13a on the way out, his response:

"Priceline.  You?"